Reconciliation Through Love

Rev. Deacon Allen J. Batchelder

Trinity Church
Waltham, Massachusetts
September 7, 2014, Pentecost XIII

Exodus 12:1-14, Psalm 149, Romans 13:8-14, Matthew 18:15-20

From the Book of Exodus:
“This day shall be for you a memorial day and you shall keep it as a feast to the Lord; throughout your generations you shall observe it as an ordinance forever.”

From St. Paul’s Letter to the Romans:
The commandments are summed up in this sentence: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.

And from the Gospel of St. Matthew:
Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

Let us pray:
May the words of my mouth and the meditations of all our hearts be acceptable in thy sight, O God, our Rock and our Redeemer, our Strength and our Salvation.
Amen!

I am going to tell you about another Peanuts comic strip. In this one, Lucy demands that Linus change TV channels and threatens him with her fist if he doesn’t. “What makes you think you can walk in here and take over?” asks Linus. “These five fingers,” says Lucy. “Individually they’re nothing but when I curl them together like this into a single unit, they form a weapon that is terrible to behold.” “Which channel do you want?” asks Linus. Turning away, he looks at his fingers and says, “Why can’t you guys organize like that?”

You and I are connected in covenant and relationship with one another through Jesus Christ. Our connection with the Father affects and governs our relationship with each other, and our relationships with each other affect our relationship with God.

In our Gospel reading today, notice in verse 15 the word “brother.” This is addressed to Christians. This is dealing with believers who are in conflict.

It is so important that you and I have a right relationship with each other that Jesus said in Matthew 5:23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” In fact, the last thing that Jesus prayed for His church was that the Father would make us one as Jesus is one with the Father!

We are all familiar with the many beautiful scripture verses on love such as: “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12) or “Owe no one anything, except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law” (Rom. 13:8) or “And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.” (Deut. 10:12). As believers, we do not live under the Law; we live under grace. Our motive for obeying God and helping others is the love of Christ in our hearts.

How are we to “walk in love” or “love one another” if there is conflict with each other? What conflict? Certainly not in the church! We are human and from time to time there is conflict. Whether it is intentional or unintentional, we can have conflict. It is how we handle conflict that determines the level of our spiritual maturity.

The truth of the matter, is that relationships can be strengthened through conflict, if we handle them correctly. What makes or breaks relationships; and what makes or breaks churches, is what they choose to do in conflict. We must learn how to walk in love while dealing with conflict. We must have the right attitude.

At the beginning of the 18th chapter of Matthew, Jesus sets the stage for His teaching on resolving conflict by saying that we need to become as little children. Granted we’ve all seen Christians act like little children when it comes to getting their way. Over the years, I have attended many church meetings; and I have even seen someone stand up, stomp their feet, bang on the table, yell and scream, and threaten to leave the church if they didn’t get their way; but that is not what Jesus is talking about. Jesus is talking about humility. We are to humble ourselves like a little child.

To humble means to bring low. And that is the opposite of what the flesh wants to do in conflict. The flesh seeks to exalt itself, to justify itself, to prove itself right. If that is how we approach a conflict, the conflict will only grow.

When we are dealing with conflict with another person, the goal is reconciliation, not justification. In other words, our hope is to mend the relationship, not to choose sides and declare a winner. If only one person wins, everybody loses.

We must ask the Lord to search our hearts before we ever deal with a conflict. We must ask ourselves, “Am I walking in and motivated by love?” If not, get your heart right first, and then deal with the problem at hand.

Jesus gives us a very simple four step plan on how to handle conflict. Sometimes we make things so complicated, but Jesus makes it SIMPLE! We would save ourselves a lot of heartache and would show Jesus to the world much more effectively if we would simply: Follow the Directions!

The first step is to go to the person who you feel has sinned against you. This means that we do not go to our friends, our church family, our pastor, but rather to the person with whom there is a problem. It is possible that he does not even realize what he has done. Or, even if he did it deliberately, your own attitude of submission and love will help him to repent and apologize. Above all else, go to him with the idea of winning your brother, not winning an argument. It is possible to win the argument and lose your brother.

You need to do this as soon as possible. Don’t put off the conflict for weeks or months in the hopes that it will go away. It won’t. It will only get worse as the anger and bitterness takes root in your soul. The offense tends to get blown out of proportion the longer it sits unaddressed. Remember what Jesus said about leaving your gift at the altar. The reason it is so urgent to the Lord is because of the damage it can create if gone untreated. If we had a broken leg, wouldn’t we want the injury repaired as soon as possible? Offenses are far more devastating to the soul and spirit, and eventually to the body, than a broken leg. We must have a spirit of meekness and gentleness when we seek to restore a brother or sister (Gal. 6:1). We must not go about condemning the offender, or spreading gossip.

If someone comes to you, and tells you of a problem they have with another person, the first thing you need to ask them: “Have you addressed this problem with that person?” If not, you need to encourage them to do so. It has been my experience, people will either come to you for advice, which is wise or they want your sympathy and for you to take their side in the matter.

So, you need to meet with the person face to face. Jesus said, “Go and show him his fault.” Conflict resolution should not be done by an email, or a phone call or a letter. Anything less than a face to face conversation places a barrier between the people involved. This can be very hard and could require a lot of courage, depending on the situation and the people involved.

You need to affirm your relationship with the individual. Let the person know that you are seeking to resolve the matter and not assign blame. Let the person know just how much they mean to you.

Once you have given your side of the matter, allow the other person to respond. There may be things that you are not aware of. Nine times out of ten this is where the problem lies. When the other person is responding, keep your ears open and your mouth shut. Don’t interrupt! Let them finish.

If this first step does not resolve the conflict and bring reconciliation, you should ask for help from someone else; someone who both parties trust and respect. We are talking about a mediator; A neutral person. Someone who can keep emotions in check and help clarify the issues. It is possible that you are both wrong.

When sin is not dealt with honestly, it always spreads. What was once a matter between two people has now grown to involve four or five people. No wonder Jesus and Paul both compared sin to leaven (yeast), because leaven spreads. Yeast is an image of sin; it’s hidden; it works silently and secretly; it spreads and pollutes; and it causes dough to rise.

If the second step does not work or the parties are not interested, then the third step is the most drastic. Jesus says to take it to the church. This does not mean that the pastor is going to “make an announcement from the pulpit,” although if the matter is splitting the church, it may be necessary. In 1 Corinthians 6:1-8, we are to gather some wise men from the church. This is where the Deacons, the saints, the people from the church should get involved. Let’s remember, the goal is reconciliation.

What if these three steps don’t work? There are some conflicts that will never be resolved. If that is the case, step four is to break off the relationship. If you cannot reach agreement or even agree to disagree, then separation is called for.

If you have someone who has refused to reconcile with you, you need to ask yourself these questions, “Do I want the matter to be reconciled?” “Do I still act in love with this person?” If so, then you are doing your part. It is now up to the other person. The result will be the right atmosphere. If however, you say, “Well, he won’t apologize, so I won’t forgive him.” That is the wrong attitude and maybe you are the problem.

Some of you may feel that these four steps do not deal with reality. How many people,
who are in conflict, would willingly go through each of these four steps? Keep in mind that Jesus is talking about mature Christians: People who are in the will of God and not in the will of the flesh.

When we deal with conflict appropriately, we see positive results in our lives and in our church. There must be fellowship (Matt. 18:20). The local church must be a worshiping community, recognizing the presence of the Lord in their midst. The Holy Spirit of God can convict both the offender and the church, and He can even judge sin in the midst (Acts 5). Each step needs to be approached in an atmosphere of prayer.

Right after this teaching, Peter asks Jesus about forgiving others. That is the key to resolving most conflicts: Forgiveness. We have been forgiven much by God, and therefore we must forgive others who wrong us. Even if the conflict is not resolved, we need to forgive the person, turn the matter over to God, and move on; only then will we walk in love and be at peace.

It is said that Leonardo da Vinci, when painting the Last Supper, painted Judas’ face as the face of someone with whom he was angry. But he found that he could not paint the face of Jesus until he changed the face of Judas. Remember the Lord’s Prayer: “Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.”

We trust Christ that we might be saved from our sins by His sacrifice, but we must also feed on Christ in order to have strength for our daily pilgrim journey. As we worship, meditate on the Word, pray, and believe. We feed on the spiritual nourishment as we grow in the knowledge and grace of Jesus Christ.

Let us pray:

Grant us, O Lord, to trust in you with all our hearts; for, as you always resist the proud who confide in their own strength, so you never forsake those who make their boast of your mercy; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you, and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever.
Amen. †

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